ANDREA, THE MONEY PLANT

‘I thought you went to the market to buy vegetables , what the fuck is that?’ I asked Gandi pointing to the potted plant he had just walked in with.

‘This is a money plant bitch, haven't you ever seen one?’ He answered as he proceeded to prop it against the window on a broken plate.

 [Of course the conversation was not as mild. I cut out a few curse words to make this post readable.Also, the conversation was not in English. I cannot stress that enough.]


    A money plant. Eh? What the hell is a money plant? At first I thought he was planning to grow it so that he can be using its leaves as vegetables, you know, with the inflation and all. Then I thought, no. No one can just chew raw leaves like khat that.

  
  As I go on guessing what a money plant was in my mind, I ask the niggaro why he thought of getting such a thing. Reasons were given, none that I bothered to remember. I went on to give my reasons. He is lonely and maybe using the plant as a chick magnet. Many girls in this huge world are excited about roses, some by lillies and 3 by money plants.  It will take him a lifetime to find anyone of these three.


A money plant must be what marijuana is called before the leaves are cut off. One probably waits for a leaf to grow then cuts it and burns it and then inhales the smoke to get high. That is how marijuana works, right? I would not know, I do not do soft drugs.


     He intended to have it there in the hopes that it will grow to spiral its way round his room. He thinks that will make his room more natural. I think it will kill him. Plants take in oxygen at night, I told him, If it fills up his room it will be competing  for oxygen with him when he is asleep, and he will not be able to wake up to find out who won that competition. He says that is not true. Plants do not take in oxygen at night. That is just a conspiracy perpetuated by the white man to……


A money plant then must be a plant than grows only when you pour money on it. You know, money contains minerals like zinc and copper which are essential for plant growth. I did Agriculture in high school. I think its paying off ….yeah right.


      Everything to this nigga is a conspiracy. One of the conspiracies he backs up is that the white man made America look bigger than Africa on the world map and that is just not true… apparently. Christianity is also a conspiracy to him and that is why he turned Muslim in first year of campus. I never bothered to talk him out of it because the switch actually made him more stable. More in touch with his spirituality and less of a sinner. He actually became a better person. And its that what its all about? Being a better person, regardless of the religion? Been the supportive friends that we are, we crack jokes about him being Muslim. Like the fact that he actually has to avoid touching a woman until marriage. And I mean touch as in handshake. No touching. Its in there somewhere in their Sharia. He is however allowed to hug and kiss his fellow men. It was also okay for him to wear long white dresses (kanzu). You can imagine the direction the jokes leaned on.  


A money plant, then, must be a plant whose leaves turn into dollar bills. Yeah. That makes more sense. Otherwise I do not see how Gandi could spend money on something that just sits there and not make money. Money maker.Ohh I am so broke that I think that a money plant is a plant that grows money. Damn oil prices.


      Still, all that is just to pass time. All my jokes are never serious, I would not hate on a certain religion, country, race or gender. I just hate a specific person. That he is American or Jewish or female is purely coincidental. But I think I end up stereotyping as a result. Like the way I say I would never marry a light skinned Kenyan chick just because she would constantly remind me of my aunt. That kind of stereotyping. I know its wrong, and chances are most of these girls would never be anything like her but I have made it sort of my purpose in life. Never to marry a chick that resembles my aunt in any way.Tribe, skin colour, laughter, hair weave, general shape of the face…anything. That is my purpose in life so far, until I get a real one. Anyway, This was not a me-post.


A money plant should be a plant that acts like your ATM. You know, you can deposit money into it then when need be you slide a leaf into its stalk and with draw money.


     Gandi like every hardcore fan of rap, once had a dream to become a rapper. That hiphop drriven dream crashed with new age rap. Hiphop and its passengers did not make it. However, once in a while he writes poems and shit whenever he feels intune with himself. I proposed he guest writes one poem in this here blog. I did that because I am on a quest to get every kenyan to love reading and writing , not because I love poems. God damn I hate poems. Mainly because I ever get them. You have to think deep and all to get the inner meaning and all. I am lazy in that kinda thinking. Such a chore. But I was willing to start enjoying them. So much I even tried to write (compose? construe? ) one when I fell sick and had a sore throat.


A money plant must be that magical bean stalk that Jack bought with a cow. They just changed the name from magical beanstalk to a more economically correct term.


      So I invite him via email and tell me to write anything he feels like. Absolutely anything. Well this is what I got. A conspiracy theory that gays were brought to this world by Americans via his grandfather. Apparently, that is what he felt like writing at the moment. Not poems. I however did not regret telling him to write about anything. I love hearing what everyone openly thinks about anything. Sometimes results are very interesting. Peoples points of view(point of views? Someone help me out here) sometimes are way better to talk about than tits and asses. True story. And that is why I inquired persistently as to why he went on and bought this green creature that he passionately now calls Andrea. He finally decided to tell me. I have never laughed so hard in my life.


A money plant is a plant that grows only if you have money and dries up when you are broke only to unwither and grow again at end month when you get paid!