Two Fourteen

Dad : Now what is this? My dad had just come back to find two parking attendants about to clamp his car. Her : Mzee haujalipa parking so utaenda City Hall kulipia huko. Dad : Who has refused to pay? I parked here and no one came so I came looking for you! It's like you people hide so that you can trick us into bribing you. This car has not even been here for 5 minutes. Him : Mzee let me tell you. We don't take bribes here. You see this? * turns to show a faded 'Corruption is Evil' label on his dust coat? *  Her : Usiongee mbaya mzee! Ati tunajificha? Ebu funga iyo gari ndio aone hatujifichi. This went on for a while. The car did not get clamped though. Neither did he bribe any of them.  The whole incidence however, did raise his blood pressure and that made our evening very unpleasant.      Have you ever gotten your car towed by the Nairobi City Council because they claimed you double parked yet there were no discernible parking lines on that...

     I do not get the deal with men wanting their chicks to swallow. I mean, you have already come in her mouth. Isn't that humiliating enough? What possible advantage is there in wanting her to swallow other than asserting your dominance? If I am to think in Physics, the only guess I have is, her swallowing creates a vacuum in her mouth and this sucks out the remaining semen from the shaft thus accelerating and-slash-or prolonging your orgasm. But in order for this to work, the system has to be closed. Meaning that she has to have her mouth well around the penis to prevent the air outside from getting in and filling in the vacuum. But now this brings in a biological problem. Not a lot of girls can swallow with their mouth open. So most will end up choking.  And is that what men really want? Maybe. Probably. Niggas brains have been brainwashed by porn. Seriously, if you are a man, think about this. If you are a woman, ask a man to think about this. ‘Wh...

      It was a chilly brisk, virulent, acoustically pleasing Saturday night. The stars were lined astronomically to cast virulent light across this virulent work of art that is Kenya.      Remember them primary school days when you had to write compositions like this or else don’t score both with the marks or the ladies .Yeah . The good old 90s.      Fast forward to this millennium. Saturday the twenty ninth, 2010 at 23.33.45. Wait. Now its 23.33.53. No shit. now the time is 23.34.09. Crap. But I guess you are getting my point, which is…. I hate my aunt. This is the decentest photo of Ms Guerra I could find.      I am lying on my bed looking the ceiling, but my view is blocked by the numerous mosquitoes circling me like hungry vultures waiting impatiently for the lights to be switched off or for me to sleep off. Whichever comes first. I normally don’t go out for raves on weekends because….. Vida Guerra is h...

      Back in high school we had really shitty toilets. No pun intended. This is literal. They were just full of themselves. You had to strip down to your bare minimum (boxers) just to avoid taking the stench out with you. And those were just the latrines. Do not get me started on the WC's. First of all, I don't get it. The toilet bowl is as wide as hell's gate. How the FUCK do you miss that shot from a range of 3 inches. No seriously, explain that to me. Do you actually take a dump then remove it and smear it on the floor?      Skipping forward.      There this one time, I timed just when the cleaners had done their magic and went in to enjoy my metime . Seconds later, a loud knock. 'KUBU KUBU KUBU' (because the door is wooden and rotting)         Now, instead of being my usual self and shouting my ' kuna mtu!!! ' to let him know it was occupied (by me) and then getting ready to block the door from opening just in case he...