Two Fourteen

Here is a strange dream I just woke up from. I am feeling pressed by pee (is that correct English) so I run to the toilet and find that it is occupied by a family member. I quickly hurry to my parents room to use the second bathroom. Only to get there and realize that there is no second bathroom. I see a hole on the top corner of the bed drawer and my dream brain tells me it's okay to pee there. I start pissing and halfway through I hear piss hitting the floor. That is when my brain goes like 'This is not the toilet'. No shit. I hurry back to the real bathroom and this time the member is out. Not my member. The family member that was using the toilet. I am about to walk in when I hear my mom's voice in the living room. She had just arrived. I run to my sister's room looking for a mop. Could it find any. I run to Mom's room to see what I can use to clean up. Time is running out because I hear her voice louder every minute. She is talking to my kid bro. Telli...

Seven months of struggling, sweating, late nights and a lot of shillings later, I am through with my field report. Hot damn it feels good. Hot damn, it’s been long. I had even forgotten about the field study. It was in August last year, in the wilderness, for 40 28 days. Remember that? Probably not. The field work was hard and long but the report writing should have not even taken more than 2 weeks. We could have been through with it by September, but this being a third world country, our labs lacked equipment for analyzing samples and we had to take them to the government labs, and we all know how those are. Add high levels of procrastinations to that and you have report of 60 pages taking a whole 6 months to write. Kenya. Anyway, 3 weeks ago, we finally got all the data we needed and truthfully, that is when the real report writing began. On the day of handing in the reports however we were hit with something we didn’t expect. Together with the hard copy (which cost an arm and 3 fin...

      How was your day? Mine? Class was shit but the visit to the school clinic was shittier. My stomach has been hurting since as long as I can remember (two days ago) and I decided to make a quick stop at the clinic for my usual round of ' it's nothing serious. It's probably just normal amoeba. Take these ' . I tell Doc I have diarrhea and he figures that I need to get my shit together, so prescribes some drugs .       Since I was already there, I decided to tell him about my cracked tooth. See, last weekend I was with a pal of mine somewhere in Kawangware looking for cheap shoes that could fit me. None of the ones we saw fitted both qualities so headed on back. On the way, we bought sugarcane. After he was through with his he started complaining of rashes on his face. Tried to look back and see if he had eaten anything that he was allergic to. This nigga is allergic to a variety of proteins. Milk and shit. How did such guys breast fee...

      I thought I had an 8 O'clock class, so I woke up early, did my shit and appeared in class right on time at 8.14 am. Only to find that I did not. Timetable clashes. What a waste of clean clothes. What a waste of sleep time. So what do I do now? I could go to the dentist. My tooth has been hurting something fierce since I broke it while chewing sugarcane last week. Eating has kinda been difficult and I now believe it has to be removed. I could go back to sleep, but then again I don't like sleeping during the day. Messes up my cycle. No, maybe I can actually finish that report on the field work we did last August that is due very very soon. Remind me to do that by the way. Or maybe I could walk in the middle of town to go sing the National Anthem at 1 am. the Kenya28Feb Poster      No, that is not just one of the random crazy ideas I give myself. It is an actual ceremony. Every February 28th, Kenyans congregate themselves at various publi...

     I did my laundry on Saturday and Sunday. The chore left me very weekend(!). I have no closet so I just dump my clothes on a suitcase that is on the floor. I do not do anything fancy like folding or colour coordinating them. I just pile them up in a heap. That proved to be a problem today because now I cannot tell between my clean clothes and my dirty ones. Which could mean two things. (1) I did not wash my clothes that well or (2) My dirty clothes are not that dirty anyway. I decided it was the latter. I have all my 'panties' up in a bunch     My sister is on holiday. Done with high school. And this time we pray for higher grades. We had her go to a school that had performed well in the previous years and so we think she will do well. At least that is what I hoped, until she told me something interesting today.      I have been to that school of hers. On days that I have remembered that it's her Visiting Day. It is hideous! the wall...

       This being another academic year, we are  again   faced with the challenge of choosing units that we will be taking. And just like last year, the methods of deciding are not very career-oriented. What ideally should be happening is, students choose the units that more in sync with the career paths that they want. More in tune with their love and passion. More logical. But that is not what is happening. What most guys seem bent on is taking units that will guarantee an A, regardless of whether or not it will help their careers. The way it works is, despite what units you do, as long as you get first class honors, you can follow any career path. Sounds twisted but it is true, to some point, and students know this so they opt to choose units using other criteria.       Some decided they will not choose any unit that falls on a Monday, just to make their weekends longer. Some decided they wanted to start their weekend early so they opted a...

     I was woken up early today. Not by the cold. I figured a way of not getting woken up by the cold. Its simple really. Sleep with clothes on. For some reason, that was not obvious to me. I have spent many a nights shivering in this bed because it was freezing and this blanket could not muster all the heat I demanded from it. So in short, no more sleeping in boxers.      Last night, my door broke off its hinges. If you look at the picture, you'd think a swat team had kicked it in or something. It was nothing of that sort. Gideon was closing it on his way out gently when it fell off. Either the door is very old, or Gideon has super human abilities. Either way yesterday I had to sleep with the door wide open. I had to booby trap in such a way that if someone came in unannounced, he would trip the door causing to crush with a thundering thud and that noise would hopefully wake me up and prevent getting thiefed. How old is this hostel?    ...

     After a whole year of sleeping no where specific, the system finally got me a decent room. Yes they may be a little late considering that they gave it to me when it was holiday time but still I am not complaining. It only for this month and cost me only 7 shillings extra a day. You hear such an amount and you can just imagine how shitty the rooms must be. Whenever anyone ask me how much a hostel cost me per year I tell them Ksh 5880 . Then they ask me ‘ 6000 per month?’ and I am like no, that is per academic year! Fucking cheap right? Well that is even the expensive ones around here. We get charged between 18 – 30 shillings per day, meaning you can even get a room for 3906 Ksh p.a. But that is only for freshmen. Strictly! I cannot stress this enough. The cheapest ones are for the First Years. This is a reason I am stressing this so much.     I am stressing it just in case you turn out to be one of those parents who behave like my dad. Just before ...

     What the hell is wrong with my Natasha? Keep getting an error message whenever I try to run office. I got a report to write. I do not need such stress. Now look. I cannot access my lecture notes. Great. Its not like I wanted to pass my exams or anything. And then there is the issue with my pictures. All the photos taken undercover of campus girls doing nasty things to each other during their showers at night. Gone. Now I have to masturbate from memory. And we all know how whack my memory is. Fuck Windows.

      We were talking about employment options the other day when someone brought up the issue of CVs. That made me think about how my CV looks like. Or how it would look like if I actually sat down and conjured one. It would not go past one page, unless I tripled the font and included illustrations. I have nothing to write on my CV past primary and high school education. I bet I could fit my whole CV in one tweet.      I was asked what I would put on the hobbies section and I answered that I would not put a hobbies  section. Because I have none. I asked everyone in the room what their hobby was. And before Kip could answer, I told them watching porn did not count. He swallowed what he was going to say. Then said his hobby was driving. I asked him when the last time he drove a car was. Like two years ago. Someone else asked him whether he had a driving license. No. He clearly was confusing a hobby and a fantasy.    A hobby, acc...

     Had that test today. Not a CAT, a Sit In Test. Yes there is a difference. Either it was simple or I have become brighter. I am guessing the former[LSEJA]. Some photography class. I swear the higher the level of education the higher the level of confusion. Just goes on to prove my theory that the 8-4-4 education system in Kenya amounts to nothing. 8-4-4=0           Do you remember the primary colours as taught in primary school? Maybe I am the one that went to a module II class or something because what I was taught was that the primary colours were yellow, red and blue. By that fat Art and Crafts  teacher with brown teeth. Mrs. Magego. Okay I am lying. She was not fat. I am also pretty sure she did not have brown teeth. I have bad memory so that is what my imagination could come up with. Anyway. Blue, yellow and red were the primary colours then you mix these to get the secondary colours. Red and yellow equals to orange. r...

      How was your Easter holiday people? I hope yours rocked but I am definite not more than mine. I spent my whole weekend in boxers! Not for the reason you are thinking but because I was all by self for the weekend. Oh what? That was what you thought? Then you are right.       This weekend being a holiday, we celebrated it the best way my aunt knows how...by gate crushing other relatives parties. As long as my aunt is in charge, we can never spend a holiday in our house, we have to go to other people. The reason? According to her, holidays are a time to spend time with family and people we love. According to us, holidays are a time for her to avoid spending any money on fancy foods for people who would probably not appreciate.       Whatever the reason, everyone was out the house and I came later to find myself all by myself (!?) So I did what anyone with a house to themselves would do. I stripped down to my b...

     So I am back to being a day scholar. Yeah. School has opened and the the owner of the room I was using is back. Well, it was good while it lasted. Went home for the first time this month. My aunt is doing great, thanks for asking. The food is still shitty though. The maize flour used to make ugali is turning sour because its has reached its expiry date. But it cannot be thrown away because ‘we cannot throw away food when people are dying of hunger’. Seriously!? How is eating the food going to help those dying with hunger? Actually I think throwing it away increases their chances of the foodless getting it. They may be snooping round the trash and then, lo and behold, stale ugali !! Trash manna. May not taste like the manna from heaven but it is just as free.      I have not done any kind of shopping for the new semester. I was shocked to find that people even shop for clothes for a new semester. I am still wearing shit I wore in first ...

Translation: I am more tired (tireder?) than a whore's cunt.      My body has undergone a lot of overwork. And considering I am the epitome of laziness, even blinking twice instead of once is overwork. Daily for two weeks I have been outside from 7am to 7pm. Field work is what the system calls it, I call it Torture. By the first day my body had been pushed past its limit and it has been working on overdrive ever since. Before I unravel the fortnight's events, I think it would be best to have a short of a theme or topic to talk about instead of blubbering all at once. I think I am going to start with the education aspect of the field work, because that was the main purpose of the field work, apart from of course trying to kill me slowly and painfully.      The Kenyan education system fucking sucks! I reiterate, the Kenyan education system sucks. It has always been known and said but I got to experience all the aspects of this sucky system all at once. T...

I dunno when I will post this but I wrote this on Saturday 27th Nov. But could not publish it because I do not have internet access. Yes I am at home. And this neighbour’s wifi is really inconsistent! I am not paying for it and I am pissed off. I wonder how he feels about the inconsistency since he is the one paying for it. Anyway, irregardless (wtf does that mean?) I blog. And the following is a recollection of the week’s events. So I am at home. Broker than a shattered mirror. My aunt is here with us. I wish she was not. She is on a month long holiday meaning that this is going to be the worst Christmas holiday yet. Nothing could make it worse….or so I thought. But first, let me finish with the school events first. The high for the week was learning that the hostel offices in my campus were vandalized. Apparently, some individuals tried to scorch the place to the ground but could not succeed due to lack of something, maybe they lacked enough petrol, or manpower or time. Either way, t...