Two Fourteen

These matatu people should just die!  is what I was thinking as I was stumbled out of the moving matatu that had changed route midway. It was not like I was late enough as it was. I don't remember what I was in a hurry to do.  All I remember is jumping off the matatu and doing the usual self pat-down.      If you live in Eastlands you know what I mean. If you don't let me explain.      I live in an area full of thuggery. You might be seated to a passenger who will pick your pocket. You will only realize it later that, the reason that bastard was opening the newspaper that wide was because his third hand was busy in your pocket. And there you were thinking he was kind enough to let you read the sports section. Or it could be the conductor doing it. Why do you think he has to overload the matatu and still insist on moving around to collect everyone's fare personally? Huh? Why? Isuzu Prado? Seems legit     So , usually, when you g...

   Then suddenly I heard about this new gadget by Google called Google Glasses . Essentially how they work is like this. They are lenses that act as a screen to keep showing you stuff like your G + notifications and the weather report and stream porn right before your eyes. It is really futuristic stuff and looks really awesome but when I first heard about them I didn’t see why I would want to have a pair to myself. I already wear glasses. So would I have to put The Google Glasses over my normal ones? that is really douchy, I thought. I already do that with 3D glasses and feel dumb enough. Thank God for the poor lighting in the movie theaters. And then there is the multitasking thing. I can actually picture the thought process of those Google Guys in my head. Yo Dawg. I heard that you like wearing glasses. So I put some glasses over your glasses so that you can see while you see. I have to be looking at and through my glasses at the same time. That is really hard for me and no...

Here is a strange dream I just woke up from. I am feeling pressed by pee (is that correct English) so I run to the toilet and find that it is occupied by a family member. I quickly hurry to my parents room to use the second bathroom. Only to get there and realize that there is no second bathroom. I see a hole on the top corner of the bed drawer and my dream brain tells me it's okay to pee there. I start pissing and halfway through I hear piss hitting the floor. That is when my brain goes like 'This is not the toilet'. No shit. I hurry back to the real bathroom and this time the member is out. Not my member. The family member that was using the toilet. I am about to walk in when I hear my mom's voice in the living room. She had just arrived. I run to my sister's room looking for a mop. Could it find any. I run to Mom's room to see what I can use to clean up. Time is running out because I hear her voice louder every minute. She is talking to my kid bro. Telli...

    After I hung up, I had to replay the phone call in my head because I had no idea what I had agreed to. You know your nephew is finished with primary school so he has to borrow you permission to become a man? Oh, Yeah. No Problem So you will be there on Saturday? Sure no problem. For those that still think we use a piece of rock     I have to stop picking calls when I am preoccupied with something else. I am not good at multitasking. No really, I am not.       It took me a while to get what my cousin was going on about. I am my nephew's uncle. That I knew. So why should I give him permission to finish school. Is this a custom I had skipped? I don't remember doing that shit when I finished Class 8. All I did after finishing my K.C.P.E  was... oh wait. Oh shit.     My nephew needed to ask my permission to become a man. Now I got it. Nigga was going to get circumcised. How did I not understand that? Oh yeah, I did not do t...

     I did my laundry on Saturday and Sunday. The chore left me very weekend(!). I have no closet so I just dump my clothes on a suitcase that is on the floor. I do not do anything fancy like folding or colour coordinating them. I just pile them up in a heap. That proved to be a problem today because now I cannot tell between my clean clothes and my dirty ones. Which could mean two things. (1) I did not wash my clothes that well or (2) My dirty clothes are not that dirty anyway. I decided it was the latter. I have all my 'panties' up in a bunch     My sister is on holiday. Done with high school. And this time we pray for higher grades. We had her go to a school that had performed well in the previous years and so we think she will do well. At least that is what I hoped, until she told me something interesting today.      I have been to that school of hers. On days that I have remembered that it's her Visiting Day. It is hideous! the wall...

      How was your Easter holiday people? I hope yours rocked but I am definite not more than mine. I spent my whole weekend in boxers! Not for the reason you are thinking but because I was all by self for the weekend. Oh what? That was what you thought? Then you are right.       This weekend being a holiday, we celebrated it the best way my aunt knows how...by gate crushing other relatives parties. As long as my aunt is in charge, we can never spend a holiday in our house, we have to go to other people. The reason? According to her, holidays are a time to spend time with family and people we love. According to us, holidays are a time for her to avoid spending any money on fancy foods for people who would probably not appreciate.       Whatever the reason, everyone was out the house and I came later to find myself all by myself (!?) So I did what anyone with a house to themselves would do. I stripped down to my b...

NYR_29511: Give a little less fuck   Happy new year. Yeah right.  I do not feel at all celebratory just because we upgraded to Life2011. Mainly because I do not feel like I am in a new year. Nothing has changed. Nothing is new. I am in the same year in class. I still do not have a real phone. I still have to beg my dad for money. STILL LIVING WITH MY AUNT.  Still have that gap in my mouth (that remaining piece of tooth finally fell off). I still misspell my 'waht's. I still find Arrested Development extremely funny. I still find my sister incredibly... well, how shall I put this lightly?  NYR_36711: Learn how to whistle with my ears.      I am not seeing anything exciting about this 2011 year. Even the 11 looks dumb. Its an odd number that also happens to be prime. Eleven. What good will it bring? Probably nothing exciting. And that is why I have decided not to think of it as a new year. I am not making any new resolutions. Just carrying forward t...

I dunno when I will post this but I wrote this on Saturday 27th Nov. But could not publish it because I do not have internet access. Yes I am at home. And this neighbour’s wifi is really inconsistent! I am not paying for it and I am pissed off. I wonder how he feels about the inconsistency since he is the one paying for it. Anyway, irregardless (wtf does that mean?) I blog. And the following is a recollection of the week’s events. So I am at home. Broker than a shattered mirror. My aunt is here with us. I wish she was not. She is on a month long holiday meaning that this is going to be the worst Christmas holiday yet. Nothing could make it worse….or so I thought. But first, let me finish with the school events first. The high for the week was learning that the hostel offices in my campus were vandalized. Apparently, some individuals tried to scorch the place to the ground but could not succeed due to lack of something, maybe they lacked enough petrol, or manpower or time. Either way, t...

    Sunday. That day of the week where you go to church to repent your sins so that they do not pile up and accumulate with next week's sins. I have not been to church of late. My sins are overflowing like the government sewage system. And like the government, I could not be bothered.     I am at home. I had to come back home today for a variety of reasons..     One of the reasons is because my little sister called me when she closed school. To tell me that she had closed school. And that she was broke. And we have this unwritten (but not unsaid) rule that whoever is in session should have money to give to whoever is in holiday because none of us has jobs and we were not lucky enough to get parents that give things called ALLOWANCES. My sister came through for me when I had that long holiday (thrice) and now it was my turn! Luckily, it is not always a lot of money that we share (you know, cos we do not have jobs). It is always something littl...

    So I open my eyes to find my 18 YO sister hovering over my face and in the middle of telling me a story.! I blink, to confirm that I am not dreaming then realise that I am not because I can smell my saliva filled pillow. I sit up and look at her. She is still talking and gesturing about something . I can't quite hear her, my ears were still waking up! So as I waited for the white noise to disappear and switch on hearing mode I wondered to myself Shouldn't people be first woken up then given a story? Or was it NOT necessarily  in that order? What is the fucking time? Looks like 9 am, when my analunga dream starts? And what the hell are you doing outta school     I decide to ask her the latter. The white noise stopped when she stopped her animated story! Wow. So she was the one making the noise? Fascinating! So why was she not in boarding school were we had hid her? Did they burn the school again? Did they strike again? Lord forbid, are the...