Two Fourteen

Dad : Now what is this? My dad had just come back to find two parking attendants about to clamp his car. Her : Mzee haujalipa parking so utaenda City Hall kulipia huko. Dad : Who has refused to pay? I parked here and no one came so I came looking for you! It's like you people hide so that you can trick us into bribing you. This car has not even been here for 5 minutes. Him : Mzee let me tell you. We don't take bribes here. You see this? * turns to show a faded 'Corruption is Evil' label on his dust coat? *  Her : Usiongee mbaya mzee! Ati tunajificha? Ebu funga iyo gari ndio aone hatujifichi. This went on for a while. The car did not get clamped though. Neither did he bribe any of them.  The whole incidence however, did raise his blood pressure and that made our evening very unpleasant.      Have you ever gotten your car towed by the Nairobi City Council because they claimed you double parked yet there were no discernible parking lines on that...

Somewhere is Nairobi. A young couple is enjoying the evening in each others' company while watching the news.  suddenly the lady gets the urge to log into her online community. Her : (rummaging through her bag)  I can't find my phone. Ebu flash me with yours. Him : (Unconcerned, And not particularly pleased with getting interrupted while watching TV) Okay. What's your number? Her : Ai Babekins. You don't know my number off head? Him : You bought that line like yesterday. I never crammed it but i've saved it on my phone. (realizing he didn't have his phone with him) Hand it over to me it's over there charging. Her : It's okay let me do it. (Walks up to the socket and unplugs it) How have you saved me? Him : (Amused) You don't know your own number? Then how did you expe.... (deciding it's not worth it) You are speed dial number two. Her : (Confused, angry and hurt all at once) What!? Why not one? Which bitch is speed dial one? Him : Babe rel...

      Back in high school we had really shitty toilets. No pun intended. This is literal. They were just full of themselves. You had to strip down to your bare minimum (boxers) just to avoid taking the stench out with you. And those were just the latrines. Do not get me started on the WC's. First of all, I don't get it. The toilet bowl is as wide as hell's gate. How the FUCK do you miss that shot from a range of 3 inches. No seriously, explain that to me. Do you actually take a dump then remove it and smear it on the floor?      Skipping forward.      There this one time, I timed just when the cleaners had done their magic and went in to enjoy my metime . Seconds later, a loud knock. 'KUBU KUBU KUBU' (because the door is wooden and rotting)         Now, instead of being my usual self and shouting my ' kuna mtu!!! ' to let him know it was occupied (by me) and then getting ready to block the door from opening just in case he...

  I bet you don't know which movie these pictures are from. And you have probably watched it. beautiful Tanzanian sunset beautiful Tanzanian elephants beautiful black and white donkeys 'What the fuck are you looking at?'

     What the hell is wrong with my Natasha? Keep getting an error message whenever I try to run office. I got a report to write. I do not need such stress. Now look. I cannot access my lecture notes. Great. Its not like I wanted to pass my exams or anything. And then there is the issue with my pictures. All the photos taken undercover of campus girls doing nasty things to each other during their showers at night. Gone. Now I have to masturbate from memory. And we all know how whack my memory is. Fuck Windows.

No zoom. I came so close to this locust that I swear it winked at me.                      I am not a fan of many things. Included are these funny jumpy creatures. One minute you are looking at them, then you blink and they are in your face and in your nose and in your hair all at the same time. I fear grasshoppers and dread locusts. When I was little, kids used to catch them and pluck out their legs for pure enjoyment and I was the one pleading them not to do that.      'Just killed it. Don't torture it for nothing', I would tell them.      What I really meant was, 'Kill it before it cuts that string you have tied it to and grows legs to jump on my face and in my nose and in my hair all at the same time'      During those long campus holidays, I do what my dad calls saving money and go upcountry to look after at his goats and sheep and those things with titties from here to here. Co...