HOW TO GET FREE PARKING IN NAIROBI

Dad: Now what is this?

My dad had just come back to find two parking attendants about to clamp his car.

Her: Mzee haujalipa parking so utaenda City Hall kulipia huko.

Dad: Who has refused to pay? I parked here and no one came so I came looking for you! It's like you people hide so that you can trick us into bribing you. This car has not even been here for 5 minutes.

Him: Mzee let me tell you. We don't take bribes here. You see this? *turns to show a faded 'Corruption is Evil' label on his dust coat?* 

Her: Usiongee mbaya mzee! Ati tunajificha? Ebu funga iyo gari ndio aone hatujifichi.

This went on for a while. The car did not get clamped though. Neither did he bribe any of them.  The whole incidence however, did raise his blood pressure and that made our evening very unpleasant.

     Have you ever gotten your car towed by the Nairobi City Council because they claimed you double parked yet there were no discernible parking lines on that spot? Have you ever been forced to bribe your way out of paying the 140 bob parking fees because it was only two and a half minutes to closing time but the Kanjo (parking attendant) still wanted to charge you?

     Well, I have never been is such situations. Mainly because I do not have a car. But in some few instances I have been caught up in the insults and money struggles involved in getting your car clamped? They are usually loud unruly and end up with the customer losing. Either financially, morally or both.
     People hate parking in Nairobi. If not for the fees, then the Kanjo, or the street thugs, or the people who wear shamballaz. Would life not be easier if you had free parking? At least then you only have to worry about thugs and other miscellaneous people. I came up with a very very good way to avoid parking fees in Nairobi town while still using the council parking spots. Sample this.

Ingredients

For this to work you need a few items.

• Yellow dust coat - that resembles the Kanjo one. If it too bright, bleach it and then sandblast it to give it that homeless look that most Kanjos have. You can even go on and add their ridiculous 'Corruption is Evil' label at the back. Maybe come up with your own subtle one. 'Corruption is Evil?' and then add 'not to us it's not' in a yellow font.

How many Kanjos does it take to clamp your car? THREE .1 to demand for a bribe, another to explain why it is cheaper than getting towed and the third one to do the actual clamping if 'bribe not successful'

• Wheel clamp. - This should look like the one they use to chain up your tire. You can get this from your local garage. I have not seen them but I am sure someone must have stolen one once and didn't know where else to sell it. You can also get it from the Kanjo himself. It can't be that hard to find a corrupt one willing to sell it to you. If you'd like you can also wait till your car is clamped then exchange that tire with the spare and go cut  the chains off at your local garage. This involves a lot of skill that I will put in another post.

Wheel clamp used by the Kanjo in Kenya. Usually it looks more rusty

• Balls - You need a large set of gonads to pull this stunt off. Balls so big that they trip you when you are walking naked. It is not for the weak or the dubious  If you don't have the balls for this you can take alcohol before the procedure. I hear it helps. I would not know.

How it works

1. Get to town early before the Kanjo. Probably around 7.00am
2. Get a parking spot of your preference. Probably somewhere where the car is under a shade.
3. Suit up. Change into the dust coat and clamp your own car.
4. Change back and go do your own shit.
5. Come back past 4.30pm with the dust coat on and unclamp your car. Stash away the clamp and coat for tomorrow.

Why it will work

Obviously this will work because, balls.

Why it wont work

A lot of dynamics are in play here the major ones being balls and discreetness. This method has not been tested (because I do not have a car. Or the balls) so do it at your own risk (and balls).  I am going to fine-tune this method once I try it out. But if you have an idea on how, Let me know.


Disclaimer.
Be prepared to face the full strength of the law if caught. Or just have enough money to bribe the Kanjo.
I have nothing against people who wear shamballaz. They can use them as anal beads for all I care.