Two Fourteen

These matatu people should just die!  is what I was thinking as I was stumbled out of the moving matatu that had changed route midway. It was not like I was late enough as it was. I don't remember what I was in a hurry to do.  All I remember is jumping off the matatu and doing the usual self pat-down.      If you live in Eastlands you know what I mean. If you don't let me explain.      I live in an area full of thuggery. You might be seated to a passenger who will pick your pocket. You will only realize it later that, the reason that bastard was opening the newspaper that wide was because his third hand was busy in your pocket. And there you were thinking he was kind enough to let you read the sports section. Or it could be the conductor doing it. Why do you think he has to overload the matatu and still insist on moving around to collect everyone's fare personally? Huh? Why? Isuzu Prado? Seems legit     So , usually, when you g...

Seven months of struggling, sweating, late nights and a lot of shillings later, I am through with my field report. Hot damn it feels good. Hot damn, it’s been long. I had even forgotten about the field study. It was in August last year, in the wilderness, for 40 28 days. Remember that? Probably not. The field work was hard and long but the report writing should have not even taken more than 2 weeks. We could have been through with it by September, but this being a third world country, our labs lacked equipment for analyzing samples and we had to take them to the government labs, and we all know how those are. Add high levels of procrastinations to that and you have report of 60 pages taking a whole 6 months to write. Kenya. Anyway, 3 weeks ago, we finally got all the data we needed and truthfully, that is when the real report writing began. On the day of handing in the reports however we were hit with something we didn’t expect. Together with the hard copy (which cost an arm and 3 fin...

    I go to shop in town because I cannot find milk anywhere else (what is up with that by the way?) and I end up finding it in my least favourite supermarket. Nakumatt Lifestyle. I really hate this supermarket. Among the many reasons; the prices are not student friendly. Hell, they are not even citizen friendly. I was just from a neighbouring Tuskys and a packet of rice costs 715 KeSh there, but in Lifestyle? 8motherfucking00! If that is not a huge difference to you, you must be the 1% they be talking about. Some of Kenyans have even gone to the extent of saying this supermarket is racist. It only targets whites who are always willing to spend and those wannabe Kenyans that love to ball on a budget. I guess I see why they'd say that. It is like everything there is sold in wholesale size. Instead of the small packet of biscuit you'll get a whole carton that costs like the wheat used to make them is extracted from diamonds. Expensive.       I ...

      How was your day? Mine? Class was shit but the visit to the school clinic was shittier. My stomach has been hurting since as long as I can remember (two days ago) and I decided to make a quick stop at the clinic for my usual round of ' it's nothing serious. It's probably just normal amoeba. Take these ' . I tell Doc I have diarrhea and he figures that I need to get my shit together, so prescribes some drugs .       Since I was already there, I decided to tell him about my cracked tooth. See, last weekend I was with a pal of mine somewhere in Kawangware looking for cheap shoes that could fit me. None of the ones we saw fitted both qualities so headed on back. On the way, we bought sugarcane. After he was through with his he started complaining of rashes on his face. Tried to look back and see if he had eaten anything that he was allergic to. This nigga is allergic to a variety of proteins. Milk and shit. How did such guys breast fee...

    After I hung up, I had to replay the phone call in my head because I had no idea what I had agreed to. You know your nephew is finished with primary school so he has to borrow you permission to become a man? Oh, Yeah. No Problem So you will be there on Saturday? Sure no problem. For those that still think we use a piece of rock     I have to stop picking calls when I am preoccupied with something else. I am not good at multitasking. No really, I am not.       It took me a while to get what my cousin was going on about. I am my nephew's uncle. That I knew. So why should I give him permission to finish school. Is this a custom I had skipped? I don't remember doing that shit when I finished Class 8. All I did after finishing my K.C.P.E  was... oh wait. Oh shit.     My nephew needed to ask my permission to become a man. Now I got it. Nigga was going to get circumcised. How did I not understand that? Oh yeah, I did not do t...

This post is continued from here (The tales of the wretched soul hunter) . It might be good for continuity’s sake to read that post before this.         Just when I thought I had something clever to say she and her friend stood up. They had arrived at their destination. She said a quick thanks and alighted, leaving me without telling me her name and feeling like I wasted a chance of a lifetime.       My friends however seemed to disagree. Some even insisted that it was she that wasted a chance to steal my phone. Because I am oh so stupid. Handing out my phone  to a a girl just because I thought she was hot! I deserved to be stolen for. Apparently I am very gullible when it comes to chicks I imagine as hot or pretty. I of course do not agree but they sort of had a point. What if she had taken it and threw it out of the window to her on waiting friend? What then? Could I have hit her? Could I have screamed thief while point...

     I boarded the minibus at around seven O'clock. I figured it may not get me closest to The House, but it was roomier than than the 14-seater vans that could. I hate getting my legs crushed behind the seats of these small matatus . One of the few perks of being so tall. I feel like a contortionist trying to fit on the back of these vans. Matatus: The minibus next to the van      The minibus was almost full with the remaining seat being next to this man that was the size of a van. This nigga was huge. He put the human in humangous . He was taking up both seats and I guessed he was only going to pay for one. That image reminded me of a matatu sticker: ' Sisemi wewe ni mnono lakini u kikalia viti mbili lipia' . Which loosely translated is the opposite of  'if you are sexy and you know it clap your hands'. Meaning: big fat ass guys taking up two seats in a matatu should pay for them both. I, personally, am not in tune with this line of thin...

       I was seated at one end of my fave fast food joint and was staring at myself at the mirror smiling. Not like I enjoy looking at my reflection or anything but there was something about what I saw that just made me smile. It was 7.00 in the evening and that was my first meal of the day. From the moment I woke up, I had not put anything in my mouth, even water. I had gone to school and back, not even once did it occur to me that I had to eat. And now there I was, in that restaurant, with my plate of bhajia . I had just taken my first bite when I noticed my reflection on the mirror. My lip was bleeding. I had not even opened my mouth wide enough and my lip just stretched past its elastic lip and tore. For some reason, that made me smile.       I have an eating disorder. There is something I have never said out loud. Not because I live in denial. I have just figured it out. Or maybe I have been living in denial. I don't know.      I ca...

     Actually it is-slash-was my mom’s laptop. It is a Dell Inspiron 1501.  This shit is more than 4 years old and still works. Well, kinda works. Half the RAM disappeared and the DVD-ROM stopped working. Like they do on all Dells. The screen has a blue line along it and the battery cannot store enough power to click Save. Yes. The battery is so bad that if you unplug the power the machine goes off faster than an incandescent bulb. Poof. That is very annoying when you typing a document but very useful when you are about to be caught watching porn.       I have tried my best to fix it. Changed the hard drive to 250 gig. From 40. Seriously Dell, what were you thinking? Vista cant even boot on 40 Gb of space.I bought another DVDROM, but I expect it to end anytime. Already it has started producing grunting noises when reading disks. Its like it doesn’t approve what is in them diskises. To a point that it has started creeping me out. It only ...

       This being another academic year, we are  again   faced with the challenge of choosing units that we will be taking. And just like last year, the methods of deciding are not very career-oriented. What ideally should be happening is, students choose the units that more in sync with the career paths that they want. More in tune with their love and passion. More logical. But that is not what is happening. What most guys seem bent on is taking units that will guarantee an A, regardless of whether or not it will help their careers. The way it works is, despite what units you do, as long as you get first class honors, you can follow any career path. Sounds twisted but it is true, to some point, and students know this so they opt to choose units using other criteria.       Some decided they will not choose any unit that falls on a Monday, just to make their weekends longer. Some decided they wanted to start their weekend early so they opted a...

     I am finally back home yay!. Sorry, I should say I am back to The House. Because that is just what this place is. A house that most of its occupants happen to be related by blood.         Its been so long since I been here that I actually missed it. Yeah I said it. That was the longest academic year I have ever heard of. We open in October and close in September with the only break being that two-week Chrismas break. Its like I am studying for two degrees or something.         Any way, I got home to find alot has changed. In fact, almost everything, well, except my aunt's weave. She still has the same one from last year. Isn't that considered unsafe? Or is it okay if you just wash it? I would not know, I hate weaves.       The house help (les call her Mboch) is the one that gave me the update of whats going on since I left. She is always excited and happy despite the bullshit she goes through here. I find that ve...

     Some guys assume that since I know what USB stands for, I am a computer guru. As a matter of fact, I have done no professional computer classes. I did MS Word. Does that count? Not to me it does not. But still people assume I know everything. Truth is I know enough.  Ian asked me to take him buy a good new computer for 30K. I did not know such  place but I made some few calls and got a place. There was a core 2 duo Pavillion dv6 for 36K and a Core 2 Duo Vostro for 32K. Problem was Ian wanted a brand new laptop. The ones which he opens the box and shit. The kind of shit that you buy from Safaricom. Overpriced computers with nothing of value. This shop we were in had no such laptops because they only dealt with mostly high end stuff.       But he did want either because they did not come in a box. For all he cared, they were used. All we wanted to do was unwrap a new computer himself. Why? Because that is what the sister wanted....

     I was woken up early today. Not by the cold. I figured a way of not getting woken up by the cold. Its simple really. Sleep with clothes on. For some reason, that was not obvious to me. I have spent many a nights shivering in this bed because it was freezing and this blanket could not muster all the heat I demanded from it. So in short, no more sleeping in boxers.      Last night, my door broke off its hinges. If you look at the picture, you'd think a swat team had kicked it in or something. It was nothing of that sort. Gideon was closing it on his way out gently when it fell off. Either the door is very old, or Gideon has super human abilities. Either way yesterday I had to sleep with the door wide open. I had to booby trap in such a way that if someone came in unannounced, he would trip the door causing to crush with a thundering thud and that noise would hopefully wake me up and prevent getting thiefed. How old is this hostel?    ...

      We were talking about employment options the other day when someone brought up the issue of CVs. That made me think about how my CV looks like. Or how it would look like if I actually sat down and conjured one. It would not go past one page, unless I tripled the font and included illustrations. I have nothing to write on my CV past primary and high school education. I bet I could fit my whole CV in one tweet.      I was asked what I would put on the hobbies section and I answered that I would not put a hobbies  section. Because I have none. I asked everyone in the room what their hobby was. And before Kip could answer, I told them watching porn did not count. He swallowed what he was going to say. Then said his hobby was driving. I asked him when the last time he drove a car was. Like two years ago. Someone else asked him whether he had a driving license. No. He clearly was confusing a hobby and a fantasy.    A hobby, acc...

     So I am back to being a day scholar. Yeah. School has opened and the the owner of the room I was using is back. Well, it was good while it lasted. Went home for the first time this month. My aunt is doing great, thanks for asking. The food is still shitty though. The maize flour used to make ugali is turning sour because its has reached its expiry date. But it cannot be thrown away because ‘we cannot throw away food when people are dying of hunger’. Seriously!? How is eating the food going to help those dying with hunger? Actually I think throwing it away increases their chances of the foodless getting it. They may be snooping round the trash and then, lo and behold, stale ugali !! Trash manna. May not taste like the manna from heaven but it is just as free.      I have not done any kind of shopping for the new semester. I was shocked to find that people even shop for clothes for a new semester. I am still wearing shit I wore in first ...

     So I am swimming underwater when suddenly I get the urge to sneeze. I try to hold it in but I cannot. So I sneeze. As I open my mouth, water rushes into my throat and wakes me up from my dream. I open my eyes and everything looks a bit hazy. I blink blink to try to make everything come into focus. My vision is still blurry. Its only a second later that I realise that dust is clouding my room. The room is full of 2010 dust. In dire need of a general cleaning. By somebody who really should be me but naahh. I do not see that happening anytime soon. I will just stay like that until my body becomes accustomed to the environment. Adaptation. So I am not going to do anything about this runny nose or the bloodshot eyes or the the sore throat.      I come out of bed and I am shocked by the amount of silence I hear. No sounds of my bro running around on a caffeinated sugar rush. No sounds of my sister replaying Rihanna's Oh NaNa on the telly. I j...

NYR_29511: Give a little less fuck   Happy new year. Yeah right.  I do not feel at all celebratory just because we upgraded to Life2011. Mainly because I do not feel like I am in a new year. Nothing has changed. Nothing is new. I am in the same year in class. I still do not have a real phone. I still have to beg my dad for money. STILL LIVING WITH MY AUNT.  Still have that gap in my mouth (that remaining piece of tooth finally fell off). I still misspell my 'waht's. I still find Arrested Development extremely funny. I still find my sister incredibly... well, how shall I put this lightly?  NYR_36711: Learn how to whistle with my ears.      I am not seeing anything exciting about this 2011 year. Even the 11 looks dumb. Its an odd number that also happens to be prime. Eleven. What good will it bring? Probably nothing exciting. And that is why I have decided not to think of it as a new year. I am not making any new resolutions. Just carrying forward t...

    Sunday. That day of the week where you go to church to repent your sins so that they do not pile up and accumulate with next week's sins. I have not been to church of late. My sins are overflowing like the government sewage system. And like the government, I could not be bothered.     I am at home. I had to come back home today for a variety of reasons..     One of the reasons is because my little sister called me when she closed school. To tell me that she had closed school. And that she was broke. And we have this unwritten (but not unsaid) rule that whoever is in session should have money to give to whoever is in holiday because none of us has jobs and we were not lucky enough to get parents that give things called ALLOWANCES. My sister came through for me when I had that long holiday (thrice) and now it was my turn! Luckily, it is not always a lot of money that we share (you know, cos we do not have jobs). It is always something littl...