FOOD FOR NOUGHT
I was seated at one end of my fave fast food joint and was staring at myself at the mirror smiling. Not like I enjoy looking at my reflection or anything but there was something about what I saw that just made me smile. It was 7.00 in the evening and that was my first meal of the day. From the moment I woke up, I had not put anything in my mouth, even water. I had gone to school and back, not even once did it occur to me that I had to eat. And now there I was, in that restaurant, with my plate of bhajia. I had just taken my first bite when I noticed my reflection on the mirror. My lip was bleeding. I had not even opened my mouth wide enough and my lip just stretched past its elastic lip and tore. For some reason, that made me smile.
I have an eating disorder. There is something I have never said out loud. Not because I live in denial. I have just figured it out. Or maybe I have been living in denial. I don't know.
I can be starving but ignore food if when I have it. It's like I get off on starving myself or something. I find the littlest of excuses to avoid eating. I would be in the house, going to grab a bite, on the way I hear The Aunt talking in the living room and I lose my appetite. Or go to the campus tuckshop and buy milk only for the shopkeeper to tell me that the drinking straws have ran out. Pap. I immediately convince myself that I did not need that breakfast anyway. You are probably thinking ,I could just use a cup instead of a straw but that would mean going to borrow one, then washing it, then use it, then wash it again, then look for the owner.... too much work. I find it easier just skipping the meal.
I have sort of become accoustomed to one-meal-a-day stunt. Whether it is by choice or force, I have stopped caring. I tell myself it does not matter.
About that getting off by starving myself shit. I think It's real. I realized that I enjoy things I really should not. After a day of not eating anything, it's given that I will start to feel light headed. I try and exploit this as much as possible. I can be lying on the bed then suddenly sit up and-slash-or stand up. Then just stagger there as blood rushes from my head and a feeling of passing out washes over me. I enjoy that feeling of lightheadedness. I enjoy feeling like I am going to pass out. How wierd is that?
That is today's confession. I have never looked at it this way till today. A lot of factors have led me to have this 'problem' and I am going to try and see if I can psychoanalyse myself to find out why. Stay tuned.
I have an eating disorder. There is something I have never said out loud. Not because I live in denial. I have just figured it out. Or maybe I have been living in denial. I don't know.
I can be starving but ignore food if when I have it. It's like I get off on starving myself or something. I find the littlest of excuses to avoid eating. I would be in the house, going to grab a bite, on the way I hear The Aunt talking in the living room and I lose my appetite. Or go to the campus tuckshop and buy milk only for the shopkeeper to tell me that the drinking straws have ran out. Pap. I immediately convince myself that I did not need that breakfast anyway. You are probably thinking ,I could just use a cup instead of a straw but that would mean going to borrow one, then washing it, then use it, then wash it again, then look for the owner.... too much work. I find it easier just skipping the meal.
I have sort of become accoustomed to one-meal-a-day stunt. Whether it is by choice or force, I have stopped caring. I tell myself it does not matter.
About that getting off by starving myself shit. I think It's real. I realized that I enjoy things I really should not. After a day of not eating anything, it's given that I will start to feel light headed. I try and exploit this as much as possible. I can be lying on the bed then suddenly sit up and-slash-or stand up. Then just stagger there as blood rushes from my head and a feeling of passing out washes over me. I enjoy that feeling of lightheadedness. I enjoy feeling like I am going to pass out. How wierd is that?
That is today's confession. I have never looked at it this way till today. A lot of factors have led me to have this 'problem' and I am going to try and see if I can psychoanalyse myself to find out why. Stay tuned.
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