Two Fourteen

    I recently got a message from my service provider telling me to quit crank calling them. This surprised me very much. Seeing as I stopped calling them long ago because they rarely help me with my telecommunication problems anyway. I was pissed off. This got me thinking. What are the stupidest things you can say or do while talking to them? I went on and listed the craziest I could think of. So here are stupid things to do or say immediately you hear the customer care representative go, ‘Welcome to Safaricom Customer Care service, how can I help you?................ 1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ‘seeking assistance’. Ask the customer care representative to stop doing that. 2. Terminate the call with, ‘Remember, we never had this conversation.’ 3. Use CB lingo where applicable 4. Answer their questions with questions 5. Sing your problem to the tune of Juakali’s Kiasi or your favourite church song. 6. Don’t say your problem. Rather spell...

Seven months of struggling, sweating, late nights and a lot of shillings later, I am through with my field report. Hot damn it feels good. Hot damn, it’s been long. I had even forgotten about the field study. It was in August last year, in the wilderness, for 40 28 days. Remember that? Probably not. The field work was hard and long but the report writing should have not even taken more than 2 weeks. We could have been through with it by September, but this being a third world country, our labs lacked equipment for analyzing samples and we had to take them to the government labs, and we all know how those are. Add high levels of procrastinations to that and you have report of 60 pages taking a whole 6 months to write. Kenya. Anyway, 3 weeks ago, we finally got all the data we needed and truthfully, that is when the real report writing began. On the day of handing in the reports however we were hit with something we didn’t expect. Together with the hard copy (which cost an arm and 3 fin...

    I go to shop in town because I cannot find milk anywhere else (what is up with that by the way?) and I end up finding it in my least favourite supermarket. Nakumatt Lifestyle. I really hate this supermarket. Among the many reasons; the prices are not student friendly. Hell, they are not even citizen friendly. I was just from a neighbouring Tuskys and a packet of rice costs 715 KeSh there, but in Lifestyle? 8motherfucking00! If that is not a huge difference to you, you must be the 1% they be talking about. Some of Kenyans have even gone to the extent of saying this supermarket is racist. It only targets whites who are always willing to spend and those wannabe Kenyans that love to ball on a budget. I guess I see why they'd say that. It is like everything there is sold in wholesale size. Instead of the small packet of biscuit you'll get a whole carton that costs like the wheat used to make them is extracted from diamonds. Expensive.       I ...

      How was your day? Mine? Class was shit but the visit to the school clinic was shittier. My stomach has been hurting since as long as I can remember (two days ago) and I decided to make a quick stop at the clinic for my usual round of ' it's nothing serious. It's probably just normal amoeba. Take these ' . I tell Doc I have diarrhea and he figures that I need to get my shit together, so prescribes some drugs .       Since I was already there, I decided to tell him about my cracked tooth. See, last weekend I was with a pal of mine somewhere in Kawangware looking for cheap shoes that could fit me. None of the ones we saw fitted both qualities so headed on back. On the way, we bought sugarcane. After he was through with his he started complaining of rashes on his face. Tried to look back and see if he had eaten anything that he was allergic to. This nigga is allergic to a variety of proteins. Milk and shit. How did such guys breast fee...

      I thought I had an 8 O'clock class, so I woke up early, did my shit and appeared in class right on time at 8.14 am. Only to find that I did not. Timetable clashes. What a waste of clean clothes. What a waste of sleep time. So what do I do now? I could go to the dentist. My tooth has been hurting something fierce since I broke it while chewing sugarcane last week. Eating has kinda been difficult and I now believe it has to be removed. I could go back to sleep, but then again I don't like sleeping during the day. Messes up my cycle. No, maybe I can actually finish that report on the field work we did last August that is due very very soon. Remind me to do that by the way. Or maybe I could walk in the middle of town to go sing the National Anthem at 1 am. the Kenya28Feb Poster      No, that is not just one of the random crazy ideas I give myself. It is an actual ceremony. Every February 28th, Kenyans congregate themselves at various publi...

This post is continued from here (The tales of the wretched soul hunter) . It might be good for continuity’s sake to read that post before this.         Just when I thought I had something clever to say she and her friend stood up. They had arrived at their destination. She said a quick thanks and alighted, leaving me without telling me her name and feeling like I wasted a chance of a lifetime.       My friends however seemed to disagree. Some even insisted that it was she that wasted a chance to steal my phone. Because I am oh so stupid. Handing out my phone  to a a girl just because I thought she was hot! I deserved to be stolen for. Apparently I am very gullible when it comes to chicks I imagine as hot or pretty. I of course do not agree but they sort of had a point. What if she had taken it and threw it out of the window to her on waiting friend? What then? Could I have hit her? Could I have screamed thief while point...

     I did my laundry on Saturday and Sunday. The chore left me very weekend(!). I have no closet so I just dump my clothes on a suitcase that is on the floor. I do not do anything fancy like folding or colour coordinating them. I just pile them up in a heap. That proved to be a problem today because now I cannot tell between my clean clothes and my dirty ones. Which could mean two things. (1) I did not wash my clothes that well or (2) My dirty clothes are not that dirty anyway. I decided it was the latter. I have all my 'panties' up in a bunch     My sister is on holiday. Done with high school. And this time we pray for higher grades. We had her go to a school that had performed well in the previous years and so we think she will do well. At least that is what I hoped, until she told me something interesting today.      I have been to that school of hers. On days that I have remembered that it's her Visiting Day. It is hideous! the wall...

     I boarded the minibus at around seven O'clock. I figured it may not get me closest to The House, but it was roomier than than the 14-seater vans that could. I hate getting my legs crushed behind the seats of these small matatus . One of the few perks of being so tall. I feel like a contortionist trying to fit on the back of these vans. Matatus: The minibus next to the van      The minibus was almost full with the remaining seat being next to this man that was the size of a van. This nigga was huge. He put the human in humangous . He was taking up both seats and I guessed he was only going to pay for one. That image reminded me of a matatu sticker: ' Sisemi wewe ni mnono lakini u kikalia viti mbili lipia' . Which loosely translated is the opposite of  'if you are sexy and you know it clap your hands'. Meaning: big fat ass guys taking up two seats in a matatu should pay for them both. I, personally, am not in tune with this line of thin...

       This being another academic year, we are  again   faced with the challenge of choosing units that we will be taking. And just like last year, the methods of deciding are not very career-oriented. What ideally should be happening is, students choose the units that more in sync with the career paths that they want. More in tune with their love and passion. More logical. But that is not what is happening. What most guys seem bent on is taking units that will guarantee an A, regardless of whether or not it will help their careers. The way it works is, despite what units you do, as long as you get first class honors, you can follow any career path. Sounds twisted but it is true, to some point, and students know this so they opt to choose units using other criteria.       Some decided they will not choose any unit that falls on a Monday, just to make their weekends longer. Some decided they wanted to start their weekend early so they opted a...

      Kenyans are dying of famine. And a campaign has been started by various firms to feed the 3 million starving Kenyans from the North Eastern Province. Dubbed Kenyans for Kenya Initiative. Our target is 500 million in 4 weeks. Kenyans are urged to send their donations to MPesa PayBill number 111111 (six ones just incase I typo). To Kenya Commercial Bank account 1133333338 (woi! Someone please tell me that is the correct number of 3s). Apparently there was another initaitive that had been started in January by the Red Cross dubbed Feed Kenya Initiative. But it did not  achieve its targeted goals. To donate to that initiative: M Pesa Paybill to 10000 Acc feedke. Airtel nickname REDCROSS reference feedke , or by going online to kenyaredcross.org. Personally I think they should have just kept with the initial initiative but this is the first paragraph so I should not be giving my opinions just yet.      Yaay! Second paragraph, so I am fr...