50 WAYS TO PISS OFF CUSTOMER CARE REPS


    I recently got a message from my service provider telling me to quit crank calling them. This surprised me very much. Seeing as I stopped calling them long ago because they rarely help me with my telecommunication problems anyway. I was pissed off. This got me thinking. What are the stupidest things you can say or do while talking to them? I went on and listed the craziest I could think of. So here are stupid things to do or say immediately you hear the customer care representative go, ‘Welcome to Safaricom Customer Care service, how can I help you?................



1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ‘seeking assistance’. Ask the customer care representative to stop doing that.
2. Terminate the call with, ‘Remember, we never had this conversation.’
3. Use CB lingo where applicable
4. Answer their questions with questions
5. Sing your problem to the tune of Juakali’s Kiasi or your favourite church song.
6. Don’t say your problem. Rather spell it out.
7. Stutter on the letter P
8. Order a pepperoni pizza
9. Ask him or her what they are wearing
10. Ask him or her to guess what you are wearing
11. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you
12. Tell the representative you are depressed. Get him or her to cheer you up
13. Change your accent every 3 seconds
14. Act like you know the customer care representative from somewhere, say, ‘We met on the stage for Eastleigh matatus, right?’
15. Ask if you are being charged for that free call. When they say no, heave a sigh of relief
16. Put him or her on hold
17. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call is about to end, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
18. Imitate the representative’s voice.
19. Repeat everything the representative says
Call someone who cares

20. When they ask, ‘How can I help you?’ say, ‘Huh? Oh! You mean now?’
21. Say its your anniversary and ask if they can call up your other half to remind them on your behalf
22. Make up your own language. Speak it
23. Amuse the representative with little known facts about Benga music
24. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed
25. Doze off in the middle of explaining your problem, catch yourself, and say, ‘Where am I? Who are you?
26. Psychoanalyze the customer care representative
27. Ask him or her out. If they say no, tell them its okay, they are not your type anyway
28. Report petty theft to the representative
29. Ask for the guy who served you the last time.
30. Try to sell the representative something
31. If he or she suggests anything, adamantly declare, ‘I shall not be swayed by your sweet words’
32. Tell the representative to tell their manager he is fired
33. Use expletives like ‘chessus crust!!!!’
34. Wonder aloud whether you should shave your armpits
35. Try to talk while drinking something
36. Start the conversation with, ‘My call to , take 1, and action!’
37. Using your best voice impersonation of a local radio presenter, tell the representative that they’ve won ksh 1000 and you are going to sambaza it to the number you have called.
38. Ask them to sambaza you
39. Be vague in explaining your problem
40. If they ask your name tell it to them then say that’s as far as that relationship is going to get
41. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, ‘This is my last entry’
42. Cover your nose and disgustedly ask if they smell that.
43. Ask if that is call is herbal/green
45. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often, act embarrassed
46. Try out the whackest pick up line you’ve heard of late
47. If they finish by asking. ‘is there another question?’ say yes and repeat the initial problem
48. Ask them if they are on Facebook. If they are, tell them to join this group
49. When the rep picks up wait until they ask if they can help you then say, “you have reached please leave a message after the beep’. Don’t beep

And my personal favourite……..

50. Call two reps with the same phone then conference the call. Listen as they wonder aloud who called who.

Got any? Comment below

Disclaimer: Crank calls best made using someone else’s phone. Use your own phone at your own risk.
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