MY KUGELBLITZ INVENTION

These matatu people should just die!

 is what I was thinking as I was stumbled out of the moving matatu that had changed route midway. It was not like I was late enough as it was. I don't remember what I was in a hurry to do.  All I remember is jumping off the matatu and doing the usual self pat-down.
     If you live in Eastlands you know what I mean. If you don't let me explain.
     I live in an area full of thuggery. You might be seated to a passenger who will pick your pocket. You will only realize it later that, the reason that bastard was opening the newspaper that wide was because his third hand was busy in your pocket. And there you were thinking he was kind enough to let you read the sports section. Or it could be the conductor doing it. Why do you think he has to overload the matatu and still insist on moving around to collect everyone's fare personally? Huh? Why?

Isuzu Prado? Seems legit

    So , usually, when you get off a matatu you have to check yourself to see if they wrecked yourself (ssssss, that one felt forced). What I mean is, you check your pockets to see whether your valuables are still intact. But you have to do this without hinting where your valuables are so that you don't get mugged by the thugs that might be waiting for you at your stop.
    One way of subtlety is pretending you are dusting yourself off and in the process you 'dust off your pockets'. Personally, I don't go for subtlety I go for obviousity (again, forced). I grope each pocket in sudden jerk movements. But to confuse my enemies, I also grope the empty pockets. Hell I even end up groping  areas with no pockets,  like my neck and stomach..... yes. Now my friends also get confused.  I bet I look like a disturbed sexual deviant but I do not care. I have to find what I lost in that matatu so that I run after it screaming.
On this said day I was doing such a sweep...

Right pocket ... phone... check!
Back pocket ... wallet ... check!
Back Pocket 2 ... decoy ... check!
Left pocket ... phone ... check!

Wait, what? Two phones? The first thought that came to my mind was that the guy that was seated next to me had stolen someone else's phone and given it to the conductor to put in my pocket so that when I arrive at my stage I would get mugged by the thugs that were waiting for me. That was first thought. You don't want to know how ridiculous my second and third thoughts were.
     But when I pulled out the 'second phone' I realized it was the TV's remote control. At first, I was relieved. Phew! But then, I was in town with the remote control! How would my sister change the channel? She would be pissed off and hate me until the day she will get married for making her walk all the way to the TV to change it manually.
      A lot of guys I know hate that. Not finding the remote, that is. So much that if they lost it they would just sit there and suffer through whatever was on.

 Na wewe unayetazama hii televisheni hapo nyumbani. Tuma pesa kwa namba iliyoko kwa skrini yako kwa njia ya M Pesa na Mungu atakubariki.  Kumbuka pia kutuma ya kutoa. PANDA MBEGU! Shaitani ashindwo!

    They wish that the RC would be just like a phone. Use some other remote to find it. Well, with my new invention, you sort of can. This invention is the hottest thing in the universe. That is why I call it the Kugelblitz.  No more losing the remote for days.  The TV manufacturer installs this device in their remotes and if it get's lost you can find it by dialling a code on your phone or pressing a button on the tv.
     Genius I know. Well, I haven't really finished it up yet but I am putting it out there for anyone who wants to steal this idea and make it their own. There are millions to be raked in and if you feel generous you can share some. Samsung are you hearing me?

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P.S.  I am thinking of changing things up. Stay tuned for details. And remember to eat your vegetables.