LOCUSTROPHOBIA

No zoom. I came so close to this locust that I swear it winked at me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     I am not a fan of many things. Included are these funny jumpy creatures. One minute you are looking at them, then you blink and they are in your face and in your nose and in your hair all at the same time. I fear grasshoppers and dread locusts. When I was little, kids used to catch them and pluck out their legs for pure enjoyment and I was the one pleading them not to do that.

     'Just killed it. Don't torture it for nothing', I would tell them.

     What I really meant was, 'Kill it before it cuts that string you have tied it to and grows legs to jump on my face and in my nose and in my hair all at the same time'

     During those long campus holidays, I do what my dad calls saving money and go upcountry to look after at his goats and sheep and those things with titties from here to here. Cows.  I mean cows. Lemme just make that clear before you start stretching your mind .... Anyway, during those bored random walks thought the shamba, I come across my arch nemesis. Locust on a coffee tree branch. As it so happened I had a camera and decided to take a photo to see how grown up I had gotten over the years. The zoom was blurrinating (yes this word is totally made up) the image so I decided to get as close to it as possible without freaking myself, and thus it, out.

     I gathered all my courage and dropped them in my balls and moved in closer. My adrenaline spiked as all those childhood fears came rushing through my mind . When I pressed the shutter and found that it did not even move, I felt....I dunno how best to put this. I felt like a fucking hero. I had achieved one of the greatest fits I have ever tried. I had overcome my fear. I was invincible. If I had accomplished that, there was no telling what else I could do. I felt like I could skydive without a parachute ....and land safely. Like I could bungee jump without the cord....and not get hurt. Like I could fuck a 30-shilling Majengo whore and not get any STD. I was The Man.

     But just as I was about to immortalize myself some more, the thing jumped. I just heard that funny wing noises it makes and freaked the fuck out. I was not running to the house fast enough.