MR. ORANGE LIED
My Dad wanted me to meet him in town to buy a modem because he cannot live without internet and is too blind to use the one on his phone. Like father like son, ey? Anyway, I am in school and I am told to do full and detailed research on which is the best modem to use in Kenya, looking at it in terms of reliability, speed and cost. I did that deep rooted research in two minutes. I asked the experts on Twitter. One replied, ‘Orange mambo yote’. So I relayed the info. I told him how it cost. He said he didn’t believe me, someone else had told him it was cheaper than that. So he decided not to give me the money to go buy. Instead, he wanted me to take him there. Fucking A. I knew I was going to regret it. So I switched my pessimism on. I set the bar at, he is going to punch someone at worst. If he did anything less than that then it would not be as regrettable.
He asks me to go to the shop and wait for him there. His car was stuck at customs and he was busy trying to clear it before shit got to diarrhea. I arrive at the Orange shop. The queues were long. Luckily I was not to line up because I did not have a mobile phone related issue. I was shown to a secluded lounge with comfy seats and glass walls. That is where the modems deals were done. Great. I had somewhere to sit as I waited for Dad. I took my time to do the full and detailed research I was meant to do days ago. The agent working at this cubicle was a scrawny kid that was way younger than me. I think his name was Timrothy or something . I ask everything as I bought time for Dad. I asked how much it was. it was cheaper than what I had said earlier. Apparently there was an offer that was running that week. Damn. I was going to look like a liar now. So then I asked about their range. I knew it was going to work in Nairobi and it’s environs but what about back home. Dad was going to need it to work at home because he wont be staying at The House with The Aunt. The fucker confirmed that it would have no problem working at home. I asked if he was sure. He said he was. It would work at home. But not at the 3G+ speeds. Just the normal 2G. And then he made a mistake of telling me that the 3G+ speeds were 21.1 Megabytes per seconds. Anything I download would be at 21.1 MBps. I refused and asked him to prove it. He asked me to buy one and he’ll show me. He didn’t have one lying around. How convenient.
Before I could convince him further, I saw Dad walk in, through the glass wall. He was looking for me in the long queues. I walk out, call him and show him to the glass cubicle. Halfway in, he stops. He looks around and sees only the kid. He asked me where the modems were. The kid told him there were in his bag. Dad asked why he wasn’t behind a counter like all the others at the end of the queues. I don’t remember what Roth said because it didn’t matter. Dad thought I and my friend was setting him up. He asked who would he pay. The kid said that he’ll take the money in exchange for the modem. Big mistake. No way Dad was going to believe him now. No counter, underage, no Orange uniform, alone in a room. These guys are thugs. Is probably what he thought. Because suddenly he now wanted to pay with plastic. Not paper.
That way he had to be taken behind a counter, because Tim did not have the swipe thingy. There he met an older lady with an Orange shirt and spoke English. The cashier. He had handed his card over when he asked the cashier whether the modem would work at home. The lady said the service doesn't reach all the way upcountry. Dad looked at me. I looked at the kid. The kid stammered something about him being a field agent (hence the lack of uniform I guessed) and installs these modems all over the country and therefore knows where or not the service reaches. Hinting the cashier didn’t know what shit she was talking about. We turned to the cashier. She still insisted it wouldn’t. But then the cashier next to her interjected and said it would. These guys were more confused than a dear caught in headlights. Pissed off my dad like hell. He decided not to buy and walks out. I follow. Outside. I got a little lecturer about not knowing what to buy and taking him to a worthless shop. He asked whether there were other networks selling modems. But after hearing the Safaricom deal he walked back inside.
This was like a month ago. Since then, I learnt some few things. That 21.1 MBps bullshit they were selling was just that. Bullshit. Speed didn’t even come close to 100kps. And that was in Nairobi. At The Aunt’s House. But they said it is because we live in Eastlands which is overpopulated and hence the speeds go down because it is shared or something like that. Then there is the 2G bit. It does not work at home. This pissed off even me*. And then there is the free MBs they give you when you buy it. It is worth 500 KenSh and that is why it seemed cheaper buying the Orange modem instead of an Airtel, Safaricom or Yu one. You get 500 mb worth of data with every modem purchase. What the fuckers don’t tell you is that it expires in a week. I had no idea. That is why we thought that the MBs could last forever considering we were using less than 100kb a day. To save face, I asked Dad to let me look for a way to fix it. I bring it back to Nairobi thinking maybe I could unlock it to use other SIM cards. Only I don’t know how. But I figure I can get some one who can.
And now this brings me to the point of this long long ass post. The reason I drafted this shortened version of the troubles I underwent, is to tell you this. I lost the modem. Can you believe it? I know I cant. All that time, money and what not all for nothing. I have looked for it everywhere. I just cannot seem to remember where it is. Dad will be coming on Friday and he is going to expect it to be there, considering he has not read a month’s worth of emails. I have no money so buying another is not an option, well unless someone lends me 2k. Normally, my lost shit shows up sooner. Unless it initially belonged to my Dad, then that is just gone. The phone, the camera and now the modem. Damn.
He asks me to go to the shop and wait for him there. His car was stuck at customs and he was busy trying to clear it before shit got to diarrhea. I arrive at the Orange shop. The queues were long. Luckily I was not to line up because I did not have a mobile phone related issue. I was shown to a secluded lounge with comfy seats and glass walls. That is where the modems deals were done. Great. I had somewhere to sit as I waited for Dad. I took my time to do the full and detailed research I was meant to do days ago. The agent working at this cubicle was a scrawny kid that was way younger than me. I think his name was Timrothy or something . I ask everything as I bought time for Dad. I asked how much it was. it was cheaper than what I had said earlier. Apparently there was an offer that was running that week. Damn. I was going to look like a liar now. So then I asked about their range. I knew it was going to work in Nairobi and it’s environs but what about back home. Dad was going to need it to work at home because he wont be staying at The House with The Aunt. The fucker confirmed that it would have no problem working at home. I asked if he was sure. He said he was. It would work at home. But not at the 3G+ speeds. Just the normal 2G. And then he made a mistake of telling me that the 3G+ speeds were 21.1 Megabytes per seconds. Anything I download would be at 21.1 MBps. I refused and asked him to prove it. He asked me to buy one and he’ll show me. He didn’t have one lying around. How convenient.
Before I could convince him further, I saw Dad walk in, through the glass wall. He was looking for me in the long queues. I walk out, call him and show him to the glass cubicle. Halfway in, he stops. He looks around and sees only the kid. He asked me where the modems were. The kid told him there were in his bag. Dad asked why he wasn’t behind a counter like all the others at the end of the queues. I don’t remember what Roth said because it didn’t matter. Dad thought I and my friend was setting him up. He asked who would he pay. The kid said that he’ll take the money in exchange for the modem. Big mistake. No way Dad was going to believe him now. No counter, underage, no Orange uniform, alone in a room. These guys are thugs. Is probably what he thought. Because suddenly he now wanted to pay with plastic. Not paper.
That way he had to be taken behind a counter, because Tim did not have the swipe thingy. There he met an older lady with an Orange shirt and spoke English. The cashier. He had handed his card over when he asked the cashier whether the modem would work at home. The lady said the service doesn't reach all the way upcountry. Dad looked at me. I looked at the kid. The kid stammered something about him being a field agent (hence the lack of uniform I guessed) and installs these modems all over the country and therefore knows where or not the service reaches. Hinting the cashier didn’t know what shit she was talking about. We turned to the cashier. She still insisted it wouldn’t. But then the cashier next to her interjected and said it would. These guys were more confused than a dear caught in headlights. Pissed off my dad like hell. He decided not to buy and walks out. I follow. Outside. I got a little lecturer about not knowing what to buy and taking him to a worthless shop. He asked whether there were other networks selling modems. But after hearing the Safaricom deal he walked back inside.
This was like a month ago. Since then, I learnt some few things. That 21.1 MBps bullshit they were selling was just that. Bullshit. Speed didn’t even come close to 100kps. And that was in Nairobi. At The Aunt’s House. But they said it is because we live in Eastlands which is overpopulated and hence the speeds go down because it is shared or something like that. Then there is the 2G bit. It does not work at home. This pissed off even me*. And then there is the free MBs they give you when you buy it. It is worth 500 KenSh and that is why it seemed cheaper buying the Orange modem instead of an Airtel, Safaricom or Yu one. You get 500 mb worth of data with every modem purchase. What the fuckers don’t tell you is that it expires in a week. I had no idea. That is why we thought that the MBs could last forever considering we were using less than 100kb a day. To save face, I asked Dad to let me look for a way to fix it. I bring it back to Nairobi thinking maybe I could unlock it to use other SIM cards. Only I don’t know how. But I figure I can get some one who can.
And now this brings me to the point of this long long ass post. The reason I drafted this shortened version of the troubles I underwent, is to tell you this. I lost the modem. Can you believe it? I know I cant. All that time, money and what not all for nothing. I have looked for it everywhere. I just cannot seem to remember where it is. Dad will be coming on Friday and he is going to expect it to be there, considering he has not read a month’s worth of emails. I have no money so buying another is not an option, well unless someone lends me 2k. Normally, my lost shit shows up sooner. Unless it initially belonged to my Dad, then that is just gone. The phone, the camera and now the modem. Damn.
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