THE GAYNESS THAT IS BODABODA RIDES
I am a big fan of motorbikes. I really am. I even have plans of getting an Aprilia or a Ducati before life (read marriage) forces me to settle down. I think they are cool and powerful and might get me laid a lot (oh these great and wonderful ambitions I have). Of late however, I think I am going to have to change my dreams (and ambitions) because of these bodabodas. If you have never been to Kenya (or you are rich) you definitely haven't had the displeasure of interacting with these deathtraps. With the economic rise of these Asian industries, a lot of things have made made affordable and among them; motorcycles. These bikes are so cheap that every Tom, Dick and Harry can buy them. And they have. The country is now littered by them. They are mostly used as taxis (bodaboda). The rise of the bodaboda business has been both great and bad. Mostly bad. Yes they give jobs to the youth and all but most of these bodaboda riders are very incompetent, so it is usually a glance at death when you are on one. They pay no notice to traffic rules, probably because they don’t even know them. The number of accidents caused on a daily basis by these bodabodas is sickening. You probably have been involved in a [near] bodaboda accident at least once in your Kenyan life. I know I have. Ran into one rider that thought he could turn without indicating or braking, like in the movies. Luckily, I am a good driver and was anticipating this lunacy and braked the car inches before I could hit them. The shock was so much that they fell off the bike and went rolling into the trench. Back home they even opened a new ward in the General Hospital for motorcycle related accidents. Ward D. This is sad in that so many people get hurt by something that was meant to help them but great in that the new ward created construction, medicine and nursing jobs. Maybe this was the job creation the government was talking about. Just looking at both sides of the coin here.
Anyway, I digress. I love motorcycles, I love the idea of me riding them (probably with a skimpily dressed random whore behind me) but what I don’t like is being carried by someone else . That shit is just plain wrong. You are seated there with your legs spread behind another man’s back and you have your hands around him as you both have this thing vibrating between your legs…. arrrragh. Disturbing! Or as Kiprunches would have put it, ‘Gaaaaaay!’ But even if I am behind a chick I will still feel awkward. It's the deathtrap thing, however, that disturbs me most. Then the cost.
Yesterday I had to attend a church service at my uncle's place in Ruiru. I took a matatu from Nairobi to Ruiru. A distance of 26 Km. It cost me 50 KeSh. I was running late so I was forced to take a bodaboda to the church, a distance of 1 Km. That also cost me 50 KeSh. What the fuck, right? This got me kinda irritated but it was raining and I had no choice. But since I am afraid of these motormaniacs, I wanted someone that looked like he would take it slow. I chose a elderly looking man. He was wrinkly and looked like he'd pass away and the slightest inconvenience. I chose him because I was sure he was not going to over-speed or do wheelies over bumps or skid through corners. I was right. It was the most stress free bodaboda ride I have ever taken. Even with the rain pouring down on us. He was gentle to me.
On my way back however, the MotoGP racer wannabe I got nearly neutered me. First of all, the same distance back was now 60 KeSh. Also he was so rough and reckless I wanted to stop and just walk through the rain. I don't know why every time he met another bodaboda he thought it was race time. Those bikes are not meant for speed. They reach a certain high speed and everything starts vibrating nosily and then your stomach starts pushing food from your rectum upwards and then you feel like you don't want to wait for the accident to kill you, you can just kill yourself before you start tasting shit. And now you have to hold on to him tightly because the way he is maneuvering round those pot holes you can very easily get thrown off. I couldn't see the front cos the windy rain was just too much (no helmet for the passenger, just the driver) so I was just hide my head behind him. Meaning I couldn't see what was coming. Then he did this stunt. Just as we were speeding along, I felt him move his upper body up, off the bike. Before I could realize what was happening, we hit the bump. I was caught off guard. Thrown up off my seat and back down hard. But that is not even the painful part. As I came down, somehow my long ball sac went under me so that I sat squarely on my balls. Oooooh the pain!!! It is not even the balls that hurt. It was that vein/pipe/conduit/whatever. I believe it is called the vas deferens. Not sure though. What I was sure about was that this nigga had destroyed it and I will now be shooting blanks. Now walking is somewhat painful. I had to do the duck walk so that that vein doesn't touch any part of me or my clothes. But now it's okay, the knot the vein has untangled. So I guess I'm coming good. I would need a female volunteer to be sure though.
Speaking of females, I once read of a lady that would achieve orgasm every time she rode on a motorcycle. The vibration of the machine between her legs and all. Ladies, does it happen to you? I am especially curious about the Kenyan ladies. I know most of them might be pretty timid about their sexuality to talk openly and that's okay. They probably don't know what arouses them anyway, a all they do is just lie there because they think all a man wants is to be inside her. They probably just throw in a few moan sounds just to keep his mind from wandering. Oh the stereotypes we have of these women. I refuse to believe them. One cant just suck at sex because she's of a specific tribe.
Moving on, if you are out there and you have tried to turn that bodaboda ride into a happy ending ride let me know. Is it just any bike or does it depend on the size of the engine. Do you have to think of something during the ride or does it just come? Can you lose yourself during that moment in a way that might make you fall off the bike and get ran over to death? Let me know. I am curious. If you are those that cant talk of sex because it is taboo, I understand you and it's okay.
If you are a virgin then good for you. Never give in to temptation because sex is bad and only meant for your husband. Save it for him. If you die a virgin, don't worry. There are plenty of terrorists waiting for you in heaven.
Anyway, I digress. I love motorcycles, I love the idea of me riding them (probably with a skimpily dressed random whore behind me) but what I don’t like is being carried by someone else . That shit is just plain wrong. You are seated there with your legs spread behind another man’s back and you have your hands around him as you both have this thing vibrating between your legs…. arrrragh. Disturbing! Or as Kiprunches would have put it, ‘Gaaaaaay!’ But even if I am behind a chick I will still feel awkward. It's the deathtrap thing, however, that disturbs me most. Then the cost.
Yesterday I had to attend a church service at my uncle's place in Ruiru. I took a matatu from Nairobi to Ruiru. A distance of 26 Km. It cost me 50 KeSh. I was running late so I was forced to take a bodaboda to the church, a distance of 1 Km. That also cost me 50 KeSh. What the fuck, right? This got me kinda irritated but it was raining and I had no choice. But since I am afraid of these motormaniacs, I wanted someone that looked like he would take it slow. I chose a elderly looking man. He was wrinkly and looked like he'd pass away and the slightest inconvenience. I chose him because I was sure he was not going to over-speed or do wheelies over bumps or skid through corners. I was right. It was the most stress free bodaboda ride I have ever taken. Even with the rain pouring down on us. He was gentle to me.
On my way back however, the MotoGP racer wannabe I got nearly neutered me. First of all, the same distance back was now 60 KeSh. Also he was so rough and reckless I wanted to stop and just walk through the rain. I don't know why every time he met another bodaboda he thought it was race time. Those bikes are not meant for speed. They reach a certain high speed and everything starts vibrating nosily and then your stomach starts pushing food from your rectum upwards and then you feel like you don't want to wait for the accident to kill you, you can just kill yourself before you start tasting shit. And now you have to hold on to him tightly because the way he is maneuvering round those pot holes you can very easily get thrown off. I couldn't see the front cos the windy rain was just too much (no helmet for the passenger, just the driver) so I was just hide my head behind him. Meaning I couldn't see what was coming. Then he did this stunt. Just as we were speeding along, I felt him move his upper body up, off the bike. Before I could realize what was happening, we hit the bump. I was caught off guard. Thrown up off my seat and back down hard. But that is not even the painful part. As I came down, somehow my long ball sac went under me so that I sat squarely on my balls. Oooooh the pain!!! It is not even the balls that hurt. It was that vein/pipe/conduit/whatever. I believe it is called the vas deferens. Not sure though. What I was sure about was that this nigga had destroyed it and I will now be shooting blanks. Now walking is somewhat painful. I had to do the duck walk so that that vein doesn't touch any part of me or my clothes. But now it's okay, the knot the vein has untangled. So I guess I'm coming good. I would need a female volunteer to be sure though.
 |
| I miss the good old days when a bicycle could do everything a bodaboda does but cheaper and safer. |
Speaking of females, I once read of a lady that would achieve orgasm every time she rode on a motorcycle. The vibration of the machine between her legs and all. Ladies, does it happen to you? I am especially curious about the Kenyan ladies. I know most of them might be pretty timid about their sexuality to talk openly and that's okay. They probably don't know what arouses them anyway, a all they do is just lie there because they think all a man wants is to be inside her. They probably just throw in a few moan sounds just to keep his mind from wandering. Oh the stereotypes we have of these women. I refuse to believe them. One cant just suck at sex because she's of a specific tribe.
Moving on, if you are out there and you have tried to turn that bodaboda ride into a happy ending ride let me know. Is it just any bike or does it depend on the size of the engine. Do you have to think of something during the ride or does it just come? Can you lose yourself during that moment in a way that might make you fall off the bike and get ran over to death? Let me know. I am curious. If you are those that cant talk of sex because it is taboo, I understand you and it's okay.
If you are a virgin then good for you. Never give in to temptation because sex is bad and only meant for your husband. Save it for him. If you die a virgin, don't worry. There are plenty of terrorists waiting for you in heaven.
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