Two Fourteen

      We were talking about employment options the other day when someone brought up the issue of CVs. That made me think about how my CV looks like. Or how it would look like if I actually sat down and conjured one. It would not go past one page, unless I tripled the font and included illustrations. I have nothing to write on my CV past primary and high school education. I bet I could fit my whole CV in one tweet.      I was asked what I would put on the hobbies section and I answered that I would not put a hobbies  section. Because I have none. I asked everyone in the room what their hobby was. And before Kip could answer, I told them watching porn did not count. He swallowed what he was going to say. Then said his hobby was driving. I asked him when the last time he drove a car was. Like two years ago. Someone else asked him whether he had a driving license. No. He clearly was confusing a hobby and a fantasy.    A hobby, acc...

     Had that test today. Not a CAT, a Sit In Test. Yes there is a difference. Either it was simple or I have become brighter. I am guessing the former[LSEJA]. Some photography class. I swear the higher the level of education the higher the level of confusion. Just goes on to prove my theory that the 8-4-4 education system in Kenya amounts to nothing. 8-4-4=0           Do you remember the primary colours as taught in primary school? Maybe I am the one that went to a module II class or something because what I was taught was that the primary colours were yellow, red and blue. By that fat Art and Crafts  teacher with brown teeth. Mrs. Magego. Okay I am lying. She was not fat. I am also pretty sure she did not have brown teeth. I have bad memory so that is what my imagination could come up with. Anyway. Blue, yellow and red were the primary colours then you mix these to get the secondary colours. Red and yellow equals to orange. r...

      How was your Easter holiday people? I hope yours rocked but I am definite not more than mine. I spent my whole weekend in boxers! Not for the reason you are thinking but because I was all by self for the weekend. Oh what? That was what you thought? Then you are right.       This weekend being a holiday, we celebrated it the best way my aunt knows how...by gate crushing other relatives parties. As long as my aunt is in charge, we can never spend a holiday in our house, we have to go to other people. The reason? According to her, holidays are a time to spend time with family and people we love. According to us, holidays are a time for her to avoid spending any money on fancy foods for people who would probably not appreciate.       Whatever the reason, everyone was out the house and I came later to find myself all by myself (!?) So I did what anyone with a house to themselves would do. I stripped down to my b...

No zoom. I came so close to this locust that I swear it winked at me.                      I am not a fan of many things. Included are these funny jumpy creatures. One minute you are looking at them, then you blink and they are in your face and in your nose and in your hair all at the same time. I fear grasshoppers and dread locusts. When I was little, kids used to catch them and pluck out their legs for pure enjoyment and I was the one pleading them not to do that.      'Just killed it. Don't torture it for nothing', I would tell them.      What I really meant was, 'Kill it before it cuts that string you have tied it to and grows legs to jump on my face and in my nose and in my hair all at the same time'      During those long campus holidays, I do what my dad calls saving money and go upcountry to look after at his goats and sheep and those things with titties from here to here. Co...

Are they still called glasses even if the lens is plastic?       I broke my glasses and …I cannot see without my glasses. Actually that is not true. I can see without my glasses, just not very clearly. The circumstances under which I broke them are just not clear. What I am sure of, however, is that I was not drunk nor high on drugs. It so happens that I was doing a *facepalm* when they broke. I think I hit them with my nail, or my knuckles or something. I don't know. It was just some bad luck. Scratch that. Bad luck is when they fall and you accidentally step on them or you sit on them by accident. What I had was not bad luck. It was like a spell or a curse. How the hell do you lightly tap a plastic lens and it breaks? Riddle me that. I tried fixing them to the best of my abilities      Now i have to fix them soon if I want to go on reading, and seeing as I am broker than splintered wood, I have to find a way of raising the money to fix them. Asking my dad...

‘I thought you went to the market to buy vegetables , what the fuck is that?’ I asked Gandi pointing to the potted plant he had just walked in with. ‘This is a money plant bitch, haven't you ever seen one?’ He answered as he proceeded to prop it against the window on a broken plate.   [Of course the conversation was not as mild. I cut out a few curse words to make this post readable.Also, the conversation was not in English. I cannot stress that enough.]     A money plant. Eh? What the hell is a money plant? At first I thought he was planning to grow it so that he can be using its leaves as vegetables, you know, with the inflation and all. Then I thought, no. No one can just chew raw leaves like khat that.      As I go on guessing what a money plant was in my mind, I ask the niggaro why he thought of getting such a thing. Reasons were given, none that I bothered to remember. I went on to give my reasons. He is lonely and maybe using the plant as a chi...

How you doing black, yellow, white, red and green Human beings..? Wuzzup intelligent animals that can read.? I’ll be your ghostwriter today. So I ought to have trademarked this shit from these hot head Chris Rock-cum Churchill fake kind of thespians. What you are eyeballs are fixing on is an original art piece. Its based on a true family story and is a reflection of the past, present and the future. So this WHITE man and his missionary entourage landed in Africa. The amazing continent quickly ruptured his idea of heaven. The air was lung-tickling, the rivers and the lakes glistening with sweet waters, the crops bustling with untapped calories and the fattened livestock with vigorous vitality. He had never seen a people so black, with an albedo rivaling coal is what he thought. When he spotted the bare-topped women his manhood, defied gravity like never before. “Goood Laaawd, thankyou”, he murmured. The natives viewed him with some awe-fear, thinking they never seen a being so p...

     I am very much a tech junkie. And like all of them, I have passed through the Apple phase. The Apple Phase is that phase that one believes that anything Apple Inc creates is the best thing that has ever happened to us since the previous thing Apple created. I am talking iPhones iPods, iPads, iMac and any iShit in general. I used to see them as pioneers of every new technology they said they came up with. But I am over that now. I am a bit too rational now. I do research before I make my decisions on these things. I do not base my opinion on just an iAdvert. My conclusion is this. iThings are way overrated.      Take the iPhone. Yes the touch screen is great and all but what good is a phone that has no network. The iPhone4 has a network issue that had it losing its network when held by right handed people. Something about installing its antennae at a stupid place. They issued a software to fix this. A software! How would that move the antennae...

     So I have to stop starting all my post with ‘so’. Its so cliché. So obvious. So routine. And that is something I am not. Routine. . .Yeah, right. I am the most unspontaneous mothernigga this side of the Sahara. I do not know about the rest of the world because, you know, I have not carried out any case studies.      It has been long since my last post. Feel free to insert any cliché excuses you can think of here.      I have not had time (school?).      I could not find a story (boring life?).      I could not find internet (4 th world country?).      I broke my hand (fapfapfapping?).      I was abducted by lesbian Asian nuns who wanted to extract the elixir of life from my balls (no comment).      Anything really goes here. But does it really matter why it took me so long really? Why don’t we just dwell on the fact that I ...