Two Fourteen

Dad : Now what is this? My dad had just come back to find two parking attendants about to clamp his car. Her : Mzee haujalipa parking so utaenda City Hall kulipia huko. Dad : Who has refused to pay? I parked here and no one came so I came looking for you! It's like you people hide so that you can trick us into bribing you. This car has not even been here for 5 minutes. Him : Mzee let me tell you. We don't take bribes here. You see this? * turns to show a faded 'Corruption is Evil' label on his dust coat? *  Her : Usiongee mbaya mzee! Ati tunajificha? Ebu funga iyo gari ndio aone hatujifichi. This went on for a while. The car did not get clamped though. Neither did he bribe any of them.  The whole incidence however, did raise his blood pressure and that made our evening very unpleasant.      Have you ever gotten your car towed by the Nairobi City Council because they claimed you double parked yet there were no discernible parking lines on that spot? Have you ever been fo

Somewhere is Nairobi. A young couple is enjoying the evening in each others' company while watching the news.  suddenly the lady gets the urge to log into her online community. Her : (rummaging through her bag)  I can't find my phone. Ebu flash me with yours. Him : (Unconcerned, And not particularly pleased with getting interrupted while watching TV) Okay. What's your number? Her : Ai Babekins. You don't know my number off head? Him : You bought that line like yesterday. I never crammed it but i've saved it on my phone. (realizing he didn't have his phone with him) Hand it over to me it's over there charging. Her : It's okay let me do it. (Walks up to the socket and unplugs it) How have you saved me? Him : (Amused) You don't know your own number? Then how did you expe.... (deciding it's not worth it) You are speed dial number two. Her : (Confused, angry and hurt all at once) What!? Why not one? Which bitch is speed dial one? Him : Babe rel

These matatu people should just die!  is what I was thinking as I was stumbled out of the moving matatu that had changed route midway. It was not like I was late enough as it was. I don't remember what I was in a hurry to do.  All I remember is jumping off the matatu and doing the usual self pat-down.      If you live in Eastlands you know what I mean. If you don't let me explain.      I live in an area full of thuggery. You might be seated to a passenger who will pick your pocket. You will only realize it later that, the reason that bastard was opening the newspaper that wide was because his third hand was busy in your pocket. And there you were thinking he was kind enough to let you read the sports section. Or it could be the conductor doing it. Why do you think he has to overload the matatu and still insist on moving around to collect everyone's fare personally? Huh? Why? Isuzu Prado? Seems legit     So , usually, when you get off a matatu you have to check yourself to s

    The reason I watch movies sometimes is just because of the fight scenes. That is why I liked the scene with Bruce Willis and Cyril Rafaelli in Die Hard 4. I repeated that scene like 40 times. And that one of Maggie Q kicking Willis' ass. That was also fun to watch. Those scenes had a way of making you think that those guys actually did their own stunts. Which they probably did. I appreciate that in a movie. Yes CGI is cool but lets leave that to Michael Bay, shall we? seeeeeexy       In terms of fighting scenes, I hated great movies like the Bourne series. Everyone tells me I am crazy for hating it and I wouldn't know a good action scene if it hit me in the face. The jumping through windows and car chases were fine and all but the physical fights didn't really make me want to hit the replay button. Too many cut-scenes if you ask me. A fist is thrown then the scene cuts and you get to see the fist land on a face then scene cuts to show you the guy falling. All being done

      I am a big fan of motorbikes. I really am. I even have plans of getting an Aprilia or a Ducati before life (read marriage) forces me to settle down. I think they are cool and powerful and might get me laid a lot (oh these great and wonderful ambitions I have). Of late however, I think I am going to have to change my dreams (and ambitions) because of these bodabodas . If you have never been to Kenya (or you are rich) you definitely haven't had the displeasure of interacting with these deathtraps. With the economic rise of these Asian industries, a lot of things have made made affordable and among them; motorcycles. These bikes are so cheap that every Tom, Dick and Harry can buy them. And they have. The country is now littered by them. They are mostly used as taxis ( bodaboda ). The rise of the bodaboda business has been both great and bad. Mostly bad. Yes they give jobs to the youth and all but most of these bodaboda riders are very incompetent, so it is usually a glance at de

     My day started off disappointingly . The shower was not hot. So I had to hurry. But like most boring people, I have a routine. Take face towel, wet it, apply soap, close my eyes, scrub my face hard, open my eyes, look at the dirt on face towel, close my eyes, scrub behind my left ear, open my eyes, look at the dirt, close my eyes, scrub under right ear. I think you get the point. I am a fucking robot. But today I got a bit off. After washing inside the left ear I opened my ears and then shoved the soapy towel into my right eye instead of ear. It hurt. It hurt so much. So much that I got an erection.          I think my whole system is breaking up. It's like I'm sick or something. Everything  I do or say is wrong and I only realize it when someone points it out or I get hurt. I blame the weather. Also the Devil. Oh yeah, and my poor eating habits. I have been eating bread so many times this week that I fear that I might have a yeast infection.      But let me not hate on th